A Very Dursley Musical
by MusicalObsessed
Summary: Inspired by Team StarKid's "Very Potter" musicals, A Very Dursley musical tells Vernon and Petunia's story. In song.


**Disclaimer: **I do not own Harry Potter or any of its characters. Nor do I own the YouTube musicals "A Very Potter Musical" or "A Very Potter Sequel."

_A Very Dursley Musical_

Chapter 1:

"The Dursleys go to Therapy"

Deep in the bowels of downtown London, the owners of Number Four Privet Drive sat stiffly in the waiting chairs of the Lovett & Todd Family Therapy building. If the Dursleys had been told even a week before their appointment that the future would see them ranting to a therapist, they surely would have stuck up their noses in disgust. See, this was a family prided itself with being perfectly normal and _sane_ thank you very much. Honestly, only crazies go to therapy so why would the _Dursleys_ ever be caught dead talking to some quack? A question Vernon Dursley was now voicing to his vulture-like wife for the seventy-seventh time that day.

"Shut up Vernon," that same woman, incorrectly named for a soft and beautiful flower, snapped. "We wouldn't even be here if it weren't for you! Clearly, being in close proximity to _her_ son for so many years has made you completely lose your marbles and you've lost all of your common sense."

Huffing like a two-year-old forced to watch the "Veggie Monster," Vernon mumbled quietly "I'm not the only one."

"Now, Dr. Todd is supposed to be one of the best grief counselors in the region-"

"Grief- counseling? That makes no sense whatsoever. What am I supposed to be grieving?"

"The loss of your sanity. Would you like me to arrange a funeral to clarify the matter for you?" Petunia glared in a way usually reserved for her trouble-making nephew. "As I was saying, according to the website I saw, Dr. Todd can help anyone move past their issues and get on with their life. The only bad comment Todd received was about his cooking. Apparently we should avoid the Sheppard's Pie. And really it's not like you need to eat _more_ so you shouldn't have any problem talking to him."

"And if I do have a problem with talking to a complete stranger-"

"Mr. and Mrs. Dursley?" A young boy called stepping out into the room with a clipboard.

"Dr. Todd is ready to see you if you'll follow me."

"Too late now," Petunia hooted smugly.

Slowly turning purple Vernon took his anger out on the only person in the room who couldn't cut him off - from home-cooked meals that is. "Aren't you little young to be working at such a _prestigious_ and _acclaimed_ Therapy Company? You barely look old enough for high school."

Taking Mr. Dursley's rude comments in stride, the boy simply smiled, "I'm actually apprenticing with Dr. Lovett after school and on weekends. I was one of her patients until my guardian ran away to open his own barber shop. The system almost put me in a foster home, but then Dr. Lovett stepped in and claimed me. You couldn't possibly be in better hands than Drs. Todd and Lovett, sir, because they _truly_ care about their patients."

"Perhaps they wouldn't mind taking our son off our hands then."

"Vernon!" Petunia snarled, slapping his flabby arm while the boy just stood there wide-eyed and calculating.

"I think a session with Dr. Todd will do you some good." Turning away from the couple he added under his breath, "And I thought my family had problems," unbeknownst to the bickering couple behind him. Quickly opening the door to Dr. Todd's office, he introduced the new patients to his pseudo-father before bowing out as gracefully as possible.

"Ah, yes Mr. and Mrs. Dursley, correct?" At Petunia's polite nod and Vernon's grumble, Dr. Todd ushered them into the cozy office, "Sit then, sit."

Unfortunately, the stereotypical therapist couch was a little small so naturally Vernon took up the whole thing, leaving only the stiff chair for poor Petunia.

"Before we start why don't we get to know each other a bit? My name's Dr. Sweeney Todd. I've been worki—"

"Oh, can we cut the nonsensical crap already? Some of us have lives to get back to at _some _pointtoday. I did not take an entire day off from work to listen to your life story. In fact, the reason I'm _paying _you enough to buy yourself a new boat is for you to listen to _my _life story. Am I wrong?"

"Of course not, sir. Why don't you start? Why are you and Mrs. Dursley here today?" He asked pleasantly, all the while scribbling away in his little notebook.

Grunting in reply, Vernon looked at Petunia to begin.

"We are here because this _pig _went and punched my baby Diddy-kins."

"And 'Diddy-kins' is your… pet weasel?" Dr. Todd asked, looking back and forth from Vernon to Petunia.

Snorting loudly Vernon muttered, "I think I'll like this guy after all."

"No," Petunia yelped indignantly, "He's our _son_."

"Ah, my mistake then. Do you call your son pet names? I assume 'Diddy-kins' isn't his _real _name." Dr. Todd flipped the page of his notebook before continuing to scribble away.

"Yes, Petunia. Let's talk about your molly-coddling our son. Is it normal, Dr. Todd, for a mother to continue to pick out her son's clothing for him _every day _even after he's turned _seventeen_?" The normally bad-tempered man was clearly enjoying this chain of questioning. Petunia harrumphed before quickly turning the conversation back to the topic _she _was most interested in. "I am be _slightly _over-bearing, but at this I'm not a child abuser!"

"Is this true, Mr. Dursley? Did you hit your son?"

"The boy deserved it! Do you know what he was _doing_? It's all _her _fault!" Vernon pointed a pudgy finger at Petunia. "She was the one who insisted we keep the other one and he went and polluted my son's _mind. _I tell you. My boy has…" Stopping to take a deep breath, Vernon's face slowly resided to a normal color. "My boy has gone insane."

"Oh for heaven's _sake, _Vernon! He did nothing wrong!"

"Nothing wrong? You call watching that… that _tripe _**nothing**? My god he named his—"

"Let me interrupt you." Dr. Todd cut in, "Why don't we start at the beginning? Where would you say, Vernon, that this 'issue' with your son's sanity originated?"

"_Her _sister was the problem from the beginning. _I _certainly had no idea what I was getting into when I married her. I was _hoodwinked _I tell you into this… this _world _of pure chaos. It all started two weeks before our wedding when she received a call from her mother…"

"No!" The outraged shriek pierced through the silence of the Dursley's three-room apartment. "Absolutely not! _She _is not allowed anywhere near my wedding. And you can tell her I said that too! This is supposed to be _my _day and I am not going to let her ruin it with her… abnormality."

Suddenly, Petunia became very quiet. So much so, that Vernon, who was packing up the bedroom next door, couldn't hear a word she was saying. Needless to say, Vernon was very confused as he had no idea _who _Petunia was talking about or what this supposed _abnormality _was. With curiosity burning through his veins, the obese man waddled his way out to the main area of the apartment.

"Mother," Tunia was now whispering feverishly into the phone, "Vernon doesn't even _know _about… Yes I'm _sure _perfect little Lily could be discrete, but you _know _she's going to end up bringing that _greasy wingbat… _How should I kn-… I don't care _who _she brings. I just _know _that whoever it is will be a _wiza_-… No! I am not exposing Vernon to _that_. My childhood was completely _ruined _because of it and I won't subject him… What? If she comes here… She is _not _my sister. No sister of mine would ever be a _bitch._" Vernon became more and more confused with every clip of this conversation he heard. Tunia had a sister? How come he had never heard of this woman before? He knew Tunia wasn't on good terms with her family, but he had met her parents once or twice before and no one had ever uttered a word about another Evans girl. And what had happened that caused such animosity between his fiancée and her sister? Whatever it was had to be very serious to make Tunia fly off the handle like this and Vernon was rather hurt that she didn't trust him enough to tell him about it.

Stepping out of the shadows, Vernon made his presence known. Petunia's eyes grew wide as saucers and she quickly muttered good-bye into the phone, confirming Vernon's suspicions that she was hiding something important from him.

Crossing his arms sternly he said darkly, "Is there something you need to tell me, Petunia?"

Clucking nervously, the woman began to wander aimlessly around the kitchen, picking up random items and moving them to another counter. "Of course not, dear. What makes you say that?" Trying to smile reassuringly, Petunia dropped a pizza cutter onto the ground as she chanced a look at Vernon's face. "Um, how long have you been standing there, h-honey?"

"Long enough to know that you're hiding something from me. Take for instance, you have a _sister_."

"Oh, h-her. Well, she's not important to me, Vernon, so I didn't see any r-reason to mention her." Vernon's heart melted ever so slightly as he listened to his fiancée stutter.

"What happened, Tunia?" He prodded gently, taking her shaking hands in his. "What'd she do that was so terrible? I heard you call her a 'bitch' to your mother. I've never heard you swear before, dear, especially not with _American _swear words." For some reason, Petunia started to laugh maniacally at this.

"You… you thought I said…" Tunia clutched at her stomach, her face turning red as she fought to breathe.

Slowly growing more and more indignant, Vernon released a grunt of agitation before storming out of the room. Just as he was reached for his coat and keys, the intercom buzzed. Grumbling darkly, he pressed the speaker button and growled, "We aren't seeing visitors right now. Leave now."

Outside the apartment, Lily Evans and James Potter stared transfixed at the speaker.

"_That's _the 'amazing' man that your sister is planning to marry in a week? He has fewer manners than You-Know-Who confronted by a house-elf."

"He does sound rather put-off, doesn't he? Perhaps we should come back another time." Lily twittered nervously.

"No, no, no, you are going to talk to your sister today. You've been complaining about not being able to see her since she moved out of your parents' house. Well, here's your chance. Don't throw it away just because her fiancée's personality has an uncanny resemblance to Snape's." Lily simply glared and slapped James on the arm without further comment.

"Excuse me, but is this the residence of Vernon Dursley and Petunia Evans?" She asked politely into the intercom.

"You know wizards should really have something like this messaging thing. It's much more efficient than the Floo Network." James commented lightly.

"Yeah," came another grunt, "What's it to you?"

"My name is Lily Evans. Could you tell my sister I'm here to see her, please?"

A large guffaw could be heard for a mile around. "Well, lookie here, Tunia, your sister, the _bitch, _wants to see you. Should I let her in?" Simultaneously, the eyes of both strangers on the doorstep widened exponentially.

"You don't think she _told _him, do you?"

"Not my sister. She wouldn't want her future husband to think she had anything to do with our world. Something's not right here."

The couple waited on the step in silence for another few minutes before deciding to break and enter into the apartment.

"If he already knows about magic, apparating in front of him shouldn't be _that _big of a deal, right?"

"Petunia is going to _kill _me." Lily feebly objected once more before turning on the spot and disapparating with James hot on her tail.

Back inside the apartment, Petunia was fuming quietly while Vernon paced the floor. "So you're saying those people standing out on my doorstep are _dangerous_?" Tunia nodded furiously. "Maybe we should call the cop—"

Just then two loud pops sounded throughout the room causing Vernon to jump for cover and Petunia to leap a foot in the air. "They have guns?" The flattened man yelled from the floor, but Petunia didn't answer him as she was too busy gawking openmouthed at her sister who was in the process of stowing away her wand.

"How _dare _you barge into _my _home like that? Without even the common decency to knock? You almost gave poor Vernon a heart-attack. Oh, yes mother will be hearing about this! 'Lily can be discrete, Petunia. Vernon will never have to know.'" She sneered.

"I'm sorry, Petunia! When Vernon called me a '_bitch_' over the intercom we assumed he already knew."

"Knew what?" The topic of conversation roared, "Who _are _you people and _how _did you get in here? And what in God's name was that popping sound?"

"Magic…" James replied curtly.

**TBC… **

**A/N I hope you enjoyed the first snippet of this story. It's inspired by the "Very Potters." If you haven't watched the musicals why are you on Fanfiction when you should be on YouTube? Go. Watch. Now. I'm in the process of writing the Dursleys a song to go along with this story so that it'll **_**actually **_**be a musical. The fact that it's based off of the AVPM and AVPS will come up more later on. So response question for the readers: do you want more Sweeney? Thanks for reading! **


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